I Know I Shouldn't

be worried, but I am. I am not just worried, I am scared. What kind of future will Corie and I have together if he cannot even tell me how he feels about himself, or certain other things. Why can't this man communicate with me ? Why is it so hard for him to tell me that he doesn't want to be this cookie-cutter normal guy, he wants to break out of this bubble of the norm and be a freak. I can accept it. I just don't want him to think that he has to. Corie is who he is and he shouldn't try to be someone he is not, especially if he does not talk to me about it first. I mean, I don't care if he decides to dye his hair blue and get ten thousand piercings, but I at least want to be in on it. I at least want to get my say in, I at least want to know why he feels the need to do so and what's going on in his head. I want him to hear my opinion and advices first before his does something that could perhaps change his life or how other view him. I will always love him no matter what, but I just want to communicate with him without getting I don't knows, or shrugs, or anything else that's indecisive or not an answer. I don't want to have to wonder. I want to know. I need to know. We are planning a future together. I want to know that he will be there with me for better or for worse, 'til death do us part, strike that death thing, I mean forever and ever.

Saved

Why is it that you can talk all you want about wanting to be saved, you can be all scared about going to hell, but when given the opportunity to take part in the prayer of salvation to actually do what you want to, you know be saved, you chicken out. You just stand while everyone else around you sits and prays for salvation. See that pisses me off. If you really want to be saved, really want to take Christ to be your savior, you would have taken that seat. The next time you want to talk to me about being scared that Jesus won't accept you because of what you are or what you've done, think about how you fucked up a chance at getting saved. Uggh.

October 23, 2010

That's the date! I am totally setting it,. This is the game plan. The Corie and Cristina Bay wedding with commence!

He proposed to me on Thursday, Feb 12th 2009. I don't even know what time it was, but we were laying beside each other, talking about the next couple of days and other things of the sort, making plans and he told me that he wouldn't be able to propose to me like he wanted to and I said well why don't you just do it now and get it over with. So he grabbed my hand and told me that I am his everything and that his life would not be complete with me, then he asked those magical words, and of course since I love the guy I said yes! So I am officially engaged! And all of this through tearful eyes. We embraced and talked about the future, made plans about how we were going to discuss this with our parents, and went to sleep in each other's arms. No, you naughty kids, there was no love-making.


So moving on, I had the most horrible day at work on Friday the 13th. Cliche I know! But Corie to me to lunch, Taco Bell drive-thru, raw as hell. HA! Then I had to go back to work for a few hours, sucks but I gotta get my money. Got home, showered, dressed, proceeded to pick up my friends, Ellie and Maya, we went to CiCi's and ate some good pizza, and then we went to Fashion Square Mall and got our tix for Friday the 13th, again cliche. LOL. Corie and I got our Megacon tix at the Comic store, along with a free t-shirt. Holla! Then after we saw the movie, actually pretty good. That Jason is a ninja!!! We went home through all this construction, damn Florida! And we told some ghost stories, amongst candle light and blew them out each time we wold them, a total disaster, cuz we were supposed to tell 100, but we kept, blowing out more than one candle on accident. Anyway after we were done, we had fun or maybe not so much fun on the Oija Board. It was crazy. We contacted three spirits, I think. Some murderer, a friend of Maya's great great granddad and some teen who got killed in a car accident.

And then the next day after very few hours of sleep or maybe even none at all. Me, Maya and Ellie hung out cuz Corie had to work, his whole day shot because his schedule was 2-11pm. Sucks cuz today is V-Day. Anyways, I made him home-made brownies. Yeah baby! From scratch! LOL, and Maya and Ellie took pictures and mom and I talked wedding and when Corie came home for lunch he bought me flowers. Such a sweet guy, considering he was not supposed to give me anything until White Day. And...now for more complicated stuff....

I always wonder why I am unloved when it comes to friends. Now, I honestly think that in the end, Ellie will still be there. Even though she says she has more than one bff, in the end, I suppose we both know who reigns over all. We don't say, but I think we are both number 1. I think through it all, we'll be each other's maid of honor and we will be godparents to each other's children, etc, but still I have to wonder. But what really makes me wonder is Maya. No matter what we say or what we do to convince her that we are in this best friend thing for life, she shuts us down. No matching tattoos for Maya. She doesn't want to get a tattoo that brands us and bonds us for life, because she doesn't know what's going to happen in the future. Which to me makes absolutely no sense, because once I make a friend, I keep them. The only way we will no longer be friends is if she no longer wants me in her life, not the other way around. I am loyal through and through and it totally sucks that she doesn't see it. Maybe in the future Maya will see it. I suppose it doesn'tmatter if she wants in or not, because I do have a best best friend and it's not Maya, it's Ellie and even though I've cried tears of pain cuz of her and even though sometimes I feel it would be easier not to care, Ellie will always be my best friend and not Maya. And come to think of it, even though I am hurt by the whole Maya situation, Ellie and I have way more in common than Maya and I do. I mean, Maya and I well, we do have our similarites, but all in all we are different. And although I consider Ellie and I deep and emo, I think Maya is way in over he head, so again, in the end I suppose I should not care whether or not miss Maya wants to get a tatt like me and Ellie, cuz I suppose the bond between sisters is a bigger bond than she can handle. When she grows up and out of her whole woe is me, nobody cares about me phase, that's when she'll be ready to accept that we're in this friendship thing for life. At least I can count on Ellie!

So Sick

OMG! Sometimes I wonder why even bother!!! Grrr! I am so freaking done! AAAAAAAAAAAH!

Anyway...

I had this weird blob related dream that apparently was a cross between Fringe and LOST. It was so weird, Sawyer was trying to rescue us by killing the blob with a knife, but it just got bigger and chased us to a pool where we tried to hide until we realized the thing could swim because it was strangely jellyfish like. I'm not sure where it came from, but yeah, that's my weird ass dream.

Went shopping today, got myself some leggings. Alos got a few tops and Corie got himself a few undershirts and a black dress shirt for his Light cosplay. Holla! Akk this courtesy of my mom and her Sear's card, so thanks moother. I cannot wait to cosplay, finally I am able to cosplay, my friends and I are actually putting outfits together. On Friday (the 27th) I will be Sunako Nakahara from The Wallflower, Sat (28th) I will be my own character, a fairy named Crimson (two diff outfits), and on the last day of the con I will be Misa from Death Note because Maya and Corie want to get a group thing going on. I don't even like Death Note really. In fact if I did like Death Note, I'd hate Light, which is kinda funny considering my bf is playing Light and Misa is totally in love with him. Maybe she can cheat on him for L, lol, although I do not see how that's going to work considering Maya is going to be L.


Anyway, I am still sick with a cold, hopefully it will end soon, very soon because on Thursday I am hanging out with my girls, Ellie and Maya. They are my besties and I love 'em, but sometimes feel that they don't love me. See for me, right now, there's no other before them, but for them, it's not the same. Maya has Jani, who doesn't even treat her right, but who she used to be in love with so she has that history and Ellie has her hs friends and Alica, who I don't even come close to because I am me. Actually I don't even know the reason why. I am just not up there for some reason. Maybe it's because I care enough to try and help with the ceratin situations that can either be potentionally dangerous or heartbreaking. Maybe it's because I care too much to let my mouth stay shut. Maybe it's because I'm always there for her, wait, a sec, isn't that enough to be someone's bestest bestie ? But I digress, on Thurs we are going to try out our cosplay and see if it's good enough for the con. Yata! I CANNOT WAIT FOR MEGACON!!!

Well, I just realized that I have not written my e-pals yet, so I am going to get strait to that. I am sorry, but I have to go now. TTYL.

Much <3

A Few Things

Numero Uno: I realized my reasoning for wanted to get into contact with Ja'net was more personal than actual interest. I wanted to see if we could be besties again, but then I thought about it and said to myself, what for ? I have two best friends who I love more than anything in the world and they can never be replaced. Ja'net was my best friend for a moment in time, but we will never get back to the way things were and frankly I don't want it that way. I am perfectly happy with who I have in my life now and I hope they stay!

Two: I'm sick. It's all Corie and Joe's faults. They must be tortured. They must! I didn't want to go to work because of it, but now I feel like going because of number three....

Why must people always pretend to be someone they are not to try to impress someone. Why do they start acting immature or like that person who they are trying to impress. Why ? It completely makes them look so stupid, not only to me, but to themselves. Yuck!

You Must Be Joking!!

myspace!! What the fuck is wrong with you ? Why can't i login ? I have the same password for like basically every account I have online, so why is it that when I try to type it in you tell me it's wrong and when I ask for an e-mail you say it's sent when it's not. It figures something like this would happen. I finally find my best friend from high school and now I cannot even talk to her because I cannot longin. I know I've been replaced by a new best friend and so has she, but it's still nice to know that she remembers all the good time and bad times and I want to know what's up with her now, but can I do that ? No! Why because I cannot even log in to my fucking myspace ? What the fuck? I'm over it! I hate this shit!

Holy Fucking Myspace, Dude!!

I couldn't believe it when a friend of mine who I have been looking for since I found the wonders of online communities when my best friend in high school Ja'net Ward contacted me. I cried. It was just too surreal. I still cannot believe it. I am waiting for her to come online. It's been way to long, we have a lot of catching up to do!!!!

Lay Down Your Life

Pastor Joel is always talking about how men should lay down their lives for the women in their lives, and while he's preaching this message Corie seems to get it but when we are home, he doesn't practice this. He cannot do a little quick chibi drawing for me, it doesn't even have to be perfect, but he cannot pause his game to do it. He says wait 5 minutes and takes about 20 minutes and then gets pissed because I complain about it, which makes me me even more angry. I crumple the paper, because what's the use of having a sign if it isn't eye catching. It could only be eye catching if it's not plain, but he refused to draw on it, so I don't need it. Then he keeps on with his mouth and I throw the markers on the floor, he just picks them up. Then after we both try to get clam, I mention to him that I know what I would be doing right now to redeem the situation, but he says that he wasn't going to draw another one for me. And then when Ellie comes back from the bathroom he bring her into it, when she's completely innocent and says she won't get a ride home. WTF??? What the hell does that have to do with our argument ? Nothing. I made him apologize and then I made him leave my room and instead of taking that time to actually think of an apology he comes in here and tries to justify himself. Laying down your life for somebody means to drop waht it is you are doing to cater to them. I constantly make him feel better when he's down , feed him when he's hungry. I let him stay over here, even when I know he should go home. I even sometimes pay for his bills when he needs me to, but when I want him to draw a little fucking thing for me, he cannot do it!!! Arggh. You know what he came back and apologized, but he's still not trying to redeem self. If I have to tell him, it just isn't worth it. Grr.

Painfully Waiting

This is kind of painful. Waiting. Having to wait on some one, some thing. Not knowing when this some thing, some one is going to reveal themselves. It's just painful. It's just one of those things. I hate waiting. I hate the unknown. It's just not fair. But I have really no choice, but to wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

So well it's Sunday. The big game. Superbowl of which I care nothing about because well I do not watch any sports. Actually to be perfectly honest, nobody in my family sans my brother watches sports and my bro's sport of choice is basketball, so I am sure he doesn't really care much about it either. My cousin who moved in recently loves football, but he says he refuses to watch because he hates both teams. Ha! Jokes on him, he really has no choice, because for some reason or another both my parents watch the Superbowl. I don't know why. Maybe it's the commercials, maybe it's the movie previews, maybe it;s just to feel like every other "All-American" family. I suppose I'll watch it a little, until I get bored, which will probably be really quick.

It's 2pm, approx 2 hours before my boyfriend gets off of work, boy do I have a bone to pick with him. He did not call me nor did he come over during his break. Grrr. Men, can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em. Ha! Kidding, of course I'd never kill my baby. I love his crazy, geeky self. Besides I was home all day, that's my alibi, I'm sticking to it

His name is Corie. We've been together for two years. He loves anime (and manga), video games, and more. We have some common interests, but we are also very different. He's shy, quiet, likes to keep his feelings locked away, but me, I am totally opposite. But throughout our two year relationship he has changed, he's more open and less shy.We do everything together. He practically lives in my house. LOL. My parents like him too and that's a great thing because it means they won't argue with me when we get married. I've been looking for someone like him for years, he's the one. I know it. I have a feeling that in 2 weeks I'mm be the future Mrs Corie J Bay. Meaning engagement! Yes, this crazy person to the left! Aint he a doll!

Well I suppose that's it for this entry. I'm sure I have bored you enough with my love. I just wanted to not rant or write some worrisome entry. Besides if I ranted about eveything I wasnted to this entry would be like 100 pages long and just way too much drama for a Sunday. Happy Superbowl people!