Feeling Kinda Nostalgic

Gonna see if I can find songs of the past decade, hopefully more from the years 2000-2003.

Lost....

the show I mean. It comes back in Feb and I am following a few blogs that give spoilers away, however I was mainly following for House and Fringe, but just glances at the Lost one and saw something that intrigued me and another thing that confused the hell out of me and kinda pissed me off. I cannot wait for this next season to start, so I don't have to wonder anymore. It's bittersweet really, I don't want it to be over, but actually I kinda do.

Pull the Trigger

I can keep on screaming til your ears bleed
But still you won't hear me
I can keep on crying til you can't stand it
But still you won't see me
I can hold my breath until I'm blue
just to fuckin' please you
And you still won't give a damn

I can give you the murder weapon
And still you won't kill me
You'll just let me suffer
Until I can't get enough
When all I want to do is die
And not have to deal with this stuff

Please just pull the trigger

The Internet Is So Awesome Sometimes!

I just love reconnecting with people I haven't been connected to in ages. I've found a friend recently whom I haven't seen since the 7th grade and whom I haven't heard from since probably 8th grade or freshman year. It feels like I'm somebody when I find out that somebody was looking for me. I never thought of myself as memorable or important, but apparently I am. That feels nice knowing someone cares enough about me to wonder what I am doing after 15 years. I'm feeling pretty good today, hopefully nothing brings me down.

I Knew This Was Going To Happen...

I knew there was going to be a time when my family forgot all about Christmas values, traditions and faithfulness. I just didn't want it to be so soon. We're not doing anything as a family. They put up the tree without us. Dad's putting up the lights by himself. And they want me to decorate the tree by myself, which I refuse to do, it shouldn't be a chore. I am waiting for Corie to decorate with me, although I am really upset because he told me he wouldn't do it if it wasn't the family, so I have to do some mad convincing. :( Tis the season.

Thanksgiving

well, thanks for the nice meal and the time spent with family, thanks for a day without arguing. But I've been thinking not about giving thanks, but about giving. Giving on holidays and birthdays, what I've given and what I've received. Is it really ok to keep something for yourself knowing that someone you love wants it just as much, if not more ?? Is it really ok to give you pretty close friend a gift that was bought and your best friend a gift that was recycled ?? Is it really ok to give your friend something that you like instead of what she wants ?? If it's the thought that counts than how come nobody ever thinks about what they are giving people. I know personally I put a lot of thoughts in the gifts I give, but sometimes I think I put too much thought in them, considering what I get from people is not nearly as special in the thought department. It hurts me.

Speaking of things that hurt me, I have not written in a few days, ok maybe a week and this is all due to the fact that I have been very sad lately, as my mom's sister, my Aunt Gloria, mom's only living full blooded relative left from her family (other than her kids, me and Donny) passed away this past Thursday and the whole family has been very sad. Even going to a convention didn't really cheer us up much, partly due to the fact that the con was in it's first year and highly unorganized, but we did find some really cool stuff and totally bought them. I decided to be generous and get my best friend a shirt that totally broke me. LOL, but whatevers it's what I do to show love.

Speaking of love, with all the love I show to people, I feel very under appreciated. I hate to sound vain, but this Thanksgiving Day, people oughtta be thankful for me.tH

In Your Prayers

Keep us in your prayers. My Aunt Gloria is not responding to medical treatment and my mom's depressed about it and so am I and the rest of the family, so please keep us in your prayers.

Quality Time

It's nice to spend time with someone who is acting like an ass. Uggh!!!!!!!!

Tomorrow Is Another Day

But it is also my 25th birthday. I feel kind of sad though and also very alone. And right now I am still very pissed over what had happened just today. First off Corie and I got into it over a trash bag, but the then quickly fizzled out and then we had an argument cuz he basically said he hated the jacket that I bought him three years ago out of love and it hurt my feelings b/c he basically kinda acted like sentimental value meant nothing to him at all. It sucked. After about an hour of crying and an hour of him explaining why the jacket sucks, he "changes" his mind and says he only said the stuff he said out of anger b/c he hates that the weather is not cold here. We live in Florida mind you. I'm not sure how to feel right now about what he is saying, but I do not know that I'm in a pretty crappy mood and I am not supposed to feel this way the day before my 25th birthday.

Tomorrow Is Another Day

But it is also my 25th birthday. I feel kind of sad though and also very alone. And right now I am still very pissed over what had happened just today. First off Corie and I got into it over a trash bag, but the then quickly fizzled out and then we had an argument cuz he basically said he hated the jacket that I bought him three years ago out of love and it hurt my feelings b/c he basically kinda acted like sentimental value meant nothing to him at all. It sucked. After about an hour of crying and an hour of him explaining why the jacket sucks, he "changes" his mind and says he only said the stuff he said out of anger b/c he hates that the weather is not cold here. We live in Florida mind you. I'm not sure how to feel right now about what he is saying, but I do not know that I'm in a pretty crappy mood and I am not supposed to feel this way the day before my 25th birthday.

Who Can I Count On ??

Well I have a friend who has recently constantly bailed on me and has also has said or done some hurtful things. I am quite sick of her lately and hope she can grow the fuck up. Uggh. The thing is I need her right now b/c she was supposed to make the bride's maids gowns. I'm not sure what to do now. I need to get some measurements done too. Uggh. I hate life right now.

Mom's B-Day

We celebrated it yesterday though. But today we give her a cake, she turns 45, but she won't admit it. LOL. Anyway mine is Friday. Well I'm still kinda waking up and I am too tired to write so I'm outtie.

Great 60th Post

Fucking pissed at my fucking fiance right now and I cannot fucking go to sleep until this fucking issue is fucking resolved and I do not think it will be since he is fucking asleep, the fucking jerk. I hope he has nightmares, the big meanie!

MJ IS AMAZING

Saw "This Is It" today and it was great! I miss MJ. May his music live on forever. Oh and Corie got his ears pierced. YAY!

A

I got an A in my Professional class. YAY. But right now I am not feeling good, totally sick on on my period. I know, tmi. Well I gotta go.

One More Year

I have only one more year until my last name changes to Bay...one more year 'til I am married.

I'm so bored, why isn't Corie home yet ? Please come home baby!

Going to HHN Tonite

Hopefully my throat will feel better by then, so I can scream my butt off. Anyways, sorry to make this short, but I got some errands to do and I'm a little hungry. Time for breakfast...mmm left over pizza.

Wishing

I totally wish I could stay home today. I do not want to have to deal with the big bosses of Albertson's or the shitty customers or anything like that. I just want to stay home and curl up on my futon and completely forget about the world around me.

I'M ACHING

I'm aching all over and the aches won't end because my hours this week are hellish, but since I need the money I'll deal. Good night.

Have You Ever Been So Tired that You Couldn't Sleep ?

That's me, right now. I think I'll watch this ep of "I Love Lucy" and then hit the hay. I was very accomplished today though. We visited Corie's grandma is the hospital, bought a printer, watched Amazing Race and checked out the actually, surprisingly great premiere of Three Rivers. Then we watched The Next Iron Chef, Food Detectives and True Jackson V.P and somehow I managed to finish all my homework as well. Sweetness! Right now I am watching the very end of Hallmark's "I Love Lucy" marathon. This is the ep where they build a BBQ grill, but Lucy thinks she lost her ring and tears it apart trying to find it, quite funny actually. Good night all.

HOUSE...

the most awesome show ever. This episode is weird...so lovin' it. Oh and this is my 50th post here, yays!

Tomorrow...

is gonna be so much fun! I am gonna have a blast in Kissimmee. Old Town and Medieval Times. Woot! Woot! Woot!

Heard New MC Album

Awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chicken Picker???

I cannot tell you how irate I am that the chicken picker won AGT. I don't think he was more talented than most people who didn't make it. Firstly, I am sick of singing acts winning AGT...even though I myself sing and am partial to singers I was kinda hoping a dance act or other act would make it. But America loved Mr. Skinner's sob story and thus picked him to win. I hate that. Lots of people have sob stories, it should not be about that at all!!!!!!!!!!

In other non-AGT-related news, dad's not cooking and thinks we are made of money...hooray! Fucker!

Painful

I'm having a bit of writer's block lately, it's painful.

SORRY

Sorry I haven't wirrten in a while, not really much to say.

Done

With this week's homework and sent it in. All I have to do is one more reply post and I've participated this week. I also want to finish next week's homework too. I want to relax next week. I don't want to have to do anything. Ya know what I mean ?

I bought a drive case for my hard drive, so hopefully it'll get here soon, so I can get my life back in order. Start my artwork again. Update my ipod. Save my music and video files. Update my ipod. Get all my pictures. Update my ipod. Transfer my recent pics. Update my ipod. Who am I kidding, I just wanna update my ipod. LOL.

Finished Chapter One

I finished chap 1 of my novel. I know after I am done writing the novel that I'll have to do some major editing. I already changed certain things that I wanted before. Like now they are seniors and not in college. They'll be in college next book though, I'm sure. Well I'm proud of myself.

Vacay

It was fun, but it's good to be home. I need to get some rest, I feel like I've been uop for days, and actually up until we got home yesterday I kinda have been.

I have not put my last con blog up on youtube yet, so I should do that soon. I'll post pics up as soon as I can too. But tonight, I need to get sleep, I shouldn't be up at 2am anyway. Night night!

How The Top 20 Should Look

Semi-Finalist Faves:

Grandma Lee
Arcadian Broad
Drew Thomas Magic

Hoping Will Make it to Semi-Finals:

Alizma
Anthony Morigerato & Matt Lucas
Barbara Padilla
BRI
Eleisha Miller
Ishaara
Pete Peterkin
Paradizo Dance
David Johnson
Hairo Torres
Rockin Rory & Tony Hoard
Recycled Percussion
Lawrence Beamen
EriAm Sisters
Chris Allison


Well that's it cuz the other two spots are takin by AcroDunk and Kevin Skinner, which I think are highly overrated---don't shoot me, I'm just giving my opinion.

I think I am doing pretty good keeping up with my journals, only journal I have not kept up with is dreamwidth, but only because I want to use that as an art portfolio and my art is currently on my drive which is useless without a means of plugging it to my pc which I shall get soon, maybe after the trip. Speaking of the trip, pray I get my loan before we leave, because I so desperately need it, well I am off to the bookstore, bye bye for now.

The Wait Is Almost Over

Tomorrow begins a long weekend of fun-filled craziness, cosplaying and just plain geekiness. YATA. I know I am gonna have a blast and I cannot wait.

I heard thunder out there, I wonder if Jason still wants Corie and I to hit the park. I don't know. I hope the friendship thing w/ J works for Cor, he needs male friends and not only that, but J seems like a cool guy and I know he is not like Cor's other male friends---immature and all. I dunno, we'll see how things go.

Anyways sometime soon like within the next two hours or so--I'm gonna go get tortured...I hate getting my eyebrows done, but the result is good.

Rejected and Neglected

Like always. But I'm ok. Can't wait til Corie comes home, he never makes me feel rejected. I wanna watch the Golden Girls and laugh, let me see if I can find it on tv. Hooray I found GG. YATA!

Today was quite eventful and it's only...

noon. I went to the OBGYN today yet again, and they did an ultrasound on me. They did not find anything wrong or abnormal with me. Everything checked out a-ok. Although they did find that I will be going on my period soon and it just ended two weeks ago. But to me, starting my period is a good thing because I am now on birth control and I need it to start in order to take it, the birth control I am on is going to lighten and shorten my period to pretty much only 3 days which I am very excited for. On Monday I am going to get my blood tests going on and I also have another appointment for my OBGYN on the 3rd of August, the day after AFO.

Speaking of AFO. Ellie has earned enough money for her ticket and now we are going to work on money for food/hotel. Hopefully we'll get some extra that we can use to Nana-fy her and to get Cor and I a new tv, along with some spending dough, but the only thing I am really shooting for is hotel/food money.

We are going to have another garage sale on Thursday and Friday. We're selling some dvds and games and some other good stuff that will be sure to give us some money. I am more than confident for this one since it will be on a main road. We're going to put up a neon green sign to attract customers. And we'll have the low prices to sell so we know we'll get buyers.

So while I am writing this, I guess I should let you know about my returning home from the doc's visit while it's still on my mind. I came home and told my mom what was going on, what the doc said and about my prescription. As I was telling her this I hear an asshole in the background telling me to lower my voice. That asshole ? My father. My father, ladies and gentlemen wants me to lower my voice while I am reporting to my mother about my health issues. He's not concerned about his daughter's health, he's concerned about getting some sleep at 11am, a time when everyone, especially an early bird like him, should be up already. Fucking jerk. Seriously getting on my last nerve. I cannot take this anymore, I don't see us ever being close. I was never and never will be daddy's little girl.

Double Post

Ooops, sorry about that weird double post thing.

I didn't think my blog updater was working. Ellie is not answering me on myspace, she's been mia for quite a while, she said brb. I guess she forgot about me.

Hmm. Well I think I'll go try and track her down. Bye for now.

Today was quite eventful and it's only...

noon.  I went to the OBGYN today yet again, and they did an ultrasound on me. They did not find anything wrong or abnormal with me. Everything checked out a-ok. Although they did find that I will be going on my period soon and it just ended two weeks ago. But to me, starting my period is a good thing because I am now on birth control and I need it to start in order to take it, the birth control I am on is going to lighten and shorten my period to pretty much only 3 days which I am very excited for. On Monday I am going to get my blood tests going on and I also have another appointment for my OBGYN on the 3rd of August, the day after AFO.

Speaking of AFO. Ellie has earned enough money for her ticket and now we are going to work on money for food/hotel. Hopefully we'll get some extra that we can use to Nana-fy her and to get Cor and I a new tv, along with some spending dough, but the only thing I am really shooting for is hotel/food money.

We are going to have another garage sale on Thursday and Friday. We're selling some dvds and games and some other good stuff that will be sure to give us some money. I am more than confident for this one since it will be on a main road. We're going to put up a neon green sign to attract customers. And we'll have the low prices to sell so we know we'll get buyers.

So while I am writing this, I guess I should let you know about my returning home from the doc's visit while it's still on my mind. I came home and told my mom what was going on, what the doc said and about my prescription. As I was telling her this I hear an asshole in the background telling me to lower my voice. That asshole ? My father. My father, ladies and gentlemen wants me to lower my voice while I am reporting to my mother about my health issues. He's not concerned about his daughter's health, he's concerned about getting some sleep at 11am, a time when everyone, especially an early bird like him, should be up already. Fucking jerk. Seriously getting on my last nerve. I cannot take this anymore, I don't see us ever being close. I was never and never will be daddy's little girl.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Much More Efficient

I'm not sure if I want to do different entries for all my journals now, I may as well just put the same entries in each of them since the only friends I have on my other journals are the same as the one's from this one. I don't know. I try to be unique, but it's just not working for me. If I feel like adding more or taking away than what is the point. So I am not going to take away or add, I'm just gonna be real. Today was uneventful, other than work and getting the internet back. I also cooked when I got home today, and thankfully as far as I know there is not a single dish in the sink except probably a fork or something. Yays.

Tomorrow, I think, we are going to go downtown and get some meat buns and sponge cakes. I am very excited about this, because I have not been downtown in a while, Corie needs some gas though, so we gotta check his account and see how much he can put in. Also church is tomorrow and as always I am looking forward to it.

So you wanna know what was wrong with my internet ? Nothing, it was just unplugged slightly, so not enough to notice, but enough to fuck up everything. We're freaking smart around here! LOL

Well I better get back to doing what I was doing. Organizing my downloads. Bye by-king!

I gots me some money saved for NYC!

I got some money saved, I wanna save a bit more, but I am very proud of myself so far. I want to save at least 200 more, but 100 will be alright too. Woot! Woot!

Also since my dad, my bro and my cousin are gonna drive, other flights have been opened up, I might be flying JetBlue and I've never flown them before. Yays!

I Need to Escape!

I need to get away from this home, my father uber pissed me off today and it's so incredibly stupid and annoying and uncalled for that I don't even feel like mentioning it here. I was going to, but it'll just piss me off now.

Ellie is only a about 13 bucks away from being able to go to the con, yay! Now she needs at least 20 or 30 dollars for food. I also want us to make enough money for her Nana haircut, which is going to look totally killer. I am going to keep looking around for shit I can sell, so that I'll be able to get a new tv because the "tube" that's for the color green broke and so the shows are coming off bright and pink as hell, it's ok for now, but we definitely need to get a new one. We are probably going to get one from Goodwill or something, but we just cannot afford it right now.

We're gonna go into Corie's old room and see if we have some junk in there. I needs me some moolah for sure. I think I am going to get rid of a jewelry box I have that is taking up space. it doesn't fit with my room anyway.

Maya's selling a bookshelf I really want, lol, but I'll let her sell it and if she doesn't I'll buy it from her, I have no place for my books!!!

Well I'm'a go now, OH, but before I go my OBGYN visit for my regular exam turned out normal. Sigh. But I have another appointment on Tuesday, an ultrasound. I also have to get some blood work done, so hopefully I'll get that squared away this week. I'm not sure if I'll be able to get that done before my appointment though. I'll do the best I can. I hope we can fix this problem.

Ok. Goodnight.

This Is Insane...

Stupid ass dude needs to tell his tenants to get rid of the damn cats!! OMG seriously, this episode of The People's Court is pissing me off!!!

I made a doc's appoint for Friday, it's just a regular pap, but hopefully I can still talk to the doc about my problem and hopefully she will be able to do something about it. I want bc and I also want to be ok. I hope I'm ok. Please, God let me be ok...and let my schedule and Cor's work for my appointment. I can't not go.

Well, so the issue goes unsaid until today. My brother got his car repo-ed. And everyone is making such a big fucking deal about it. It sucks, but everyone is talking about how we need to keep it secret when in reality the economy is sucking and this sort of thing is happening to everyone. It's bullsh**. I wrote a little status update about how the economy sucks and my aunt calls my cousin and talks about it and then my cousin tells me to delete my update, which I do, but then my mom calls me and bitches at me and all for a status update! LOL. I never said anything negative about my bro and did not mention his name either. I didn't say anything period, my cousin probably volunteered the info himself. But in any event, my bro is doing alright, he's getting rides from mom, dad, and even Corie...he's doing ok, it's just a car. I mean hopefully he'll be able to get it back, but if he doesn't it's not a big deal, he has people he can rely on. He'll be fine.

I'm hungry, I gotta go, the smell of chicken is calling me.

H30P

I'm going through a bit of a writer's block...a creativity block. Just can't seem to start writing. Perhaps I should do a bit more reading to put me in the mood. Or maybe listen to some music. I need to make an outline of what exactly it is I want in this book. I was thinking about it and nothing has come up for me so I def need to do some further research, read, brainstorm and just get inspired.

I'm Not Really Sure...

if I want to do something productive today or if I just want to relax. I have a day off and usually do not have a day off on Sat(s) so I am at a loss. It's like I wanna make my room a little more presentable, but also I want to relax because finally I have a Sat off. I'm torn. I have to get up early tomorrow so I want to relax as much as I can, but at the same time...I feel like my room needs a pick-me-up. I don't know what to do. I asked my fiance and he said to relax, so I am thinking that's what I should do too. Right now I am taking my free time and using it to update my journals online. I just did an America's Got Talent related post on lj. Now I've decided to update some actual entries, but since nothing worth mentioning has happened in my life, I really have nothing to say. There has been some drama, but nothing I feel like venting for here. I've vented about it tons and to have no results, so I won't waste my time. Well peace out for now.

Today

So today, Corie and I spent the day together, we watched the MJ memorial, and then we went to CiCi's pizza. Yummy pizza. We went to Walgreens and basically read all the Hoops and Yoyo cards they have there! Those guys are nutz! Teehee, then we stopped by home to pick up Foxxie before we went to Corie's mom's house to have a little dinner and semi-celebrate Cody's birthday. We watched AGT and played with Foxxie the whole time. Foxxie is one popular pup! Well we've been home for a while and Corie painted my finger and toenails pink...I feel like a princess, but now I think I'm gonna go check my myspace and facebook...so goodnight all.

Been A While (Random)

People on forums are so silly. They argue back and forth like little children to something that is so off-topic, lol. I love watching random people argue about having the inside scoop on something. Or calling each other stupid for their lame theories. That's why most of the time I post, I ask a question, so I can get an answer instead of a "wtf, you have a stupid, mornic threory!" But I do enjoy sitting back and watching it. Teehee.

But in other news, I can't change my friggin' mysapce display name. It's stuck on "Victim of a Selfish Kind of Love". Oh well, hopefully the glitch will be gone soon.

We have less than a month away until AFO. I'm planning on doing a garage sale this weekend, hopefully we will sell stuff. We need money for Ellie's ticket and other stuff at AFO. I am hoping to goodness we make enough for her b/c honestly if we can't I don't have enough money to bail her out, so to speak. I only gots enough money for me. I owe my mon 75 dollars for the airline ticket, because I already basically gave her the 145, so all I need is 75 more and I need atleast 250 more for the trip (food and travel expenses plus souveniers). I also haven't saved anything for AFO or school, so I'll need to do that too. I'm at a loss, but somehow I feel I'll pull thru, somehow I always do I guess, especially with my 9 and a half hour work shift tomorrow (which by the way, I find ridiculous), It's insanely long!! I get a measily little half hour break and it's a holiday too, wait a sec...it's a holiday....holiday pay!! Woot! Those nine hours will kill me, but I suppose it'll be worth the pay check. I think I'll end up making 100 dollars in one day w/ out taxes taken out, so I guess that's pretty good. I hope we get slammed so time can go by fast, but not too slammed that we won't be able to breathe. Well bye all, I should be resting. TTYL.

Over Dramatize

Why you gotta over dramatize the situation
Worry everyone around you, I need a explanation
You act like it's a crime to not pick up the phone
Well excuse me please, sometimes I wanna be left alone
Why you gotta call me when I'm trying to sleep?
What's so important ? Is it really that deep ?
Don't you understand that it's not always about you?
Relax and take a chill pill, find something else to do
Don't get mad at me when I can't answer your calls
I got work to do and I can't please them all
Forgive me if I'm sounding a little too insensitive
But I'm so tired of being stuck in the middle, I've gotta life to live
I can't always be there when you need your problems solved
Life's not always gonna be peachy, sometimes you've gotta fall
If you can't clean up you act and be a real friend
Than maybe now it's time for this friendship to end
I love you like a sister girl, you'll always be in my heart
But sometimes instead of being the lead, you've gotta play a smaller part
Step aside sometimes and know that things will somehow work out
No need to blow up my phone and text me, no need to yell and shout
I hope this is the last time you over dramatize like this
I don't wanna be the friend that you'll always miss
Because if we can't see eye to eye
If you don't have a valid reason why
If you can't read between the lines
Figure it out on your own time
Without having to take my advice
Cuz I won't always be around
To help you when you're falling down
I can't fix the puzzle I'm not playing
I'm a grown woman, aint got time for games
So before you over dramatize
Stop and think, before somebody says goodbye

Alone...

yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

Karaoke Was So Sweet, But Nerve-Wracking!

Enjoy the vid!

Interpretation...

I figured since recently I had a really awkward and scary dream. I should try to find an interpretation of it. So maybe I can put myself and others at ease. I will bold whatever I think applies to me. So here we go....

To dream that you commit suicide, suggests that conditions in your life are so frustrating that you no longer want to deal with the situation or relationship. You may be harboring feelings of guilt that you cannot get over and thus turning the aggression on yourself. You need to start approaching problems from a different angle. Alternatively, it may suggest that you are saying good-bye to one aspect of yourself and hello to a whole new you. It is symbolic of a personal transformation or a new stage in your life.

and also

To see a razor in your dream, suggests that there is a situation or problem that you need to smooth out.

and even more

To dream that you are bleeding or losing blood, signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or that you are feeling emotionally drained. It may also denote bitter confrontations between you and your friends. Your past actions has come back to haunt you. Women often dream of blood or of someone bleeding, shortly before or during their periods or while they are pregnant. If you dream that you are giving or donating blood, then it suggests that you are feeling physically drained due to stress.

and more

To hear evil, demonic laughing in your dream, represents feelings of humiliation and/or helplessness.

and yet still

To see your enemy in your dream, represents opposing ideas and contradictory attitudes. It also represents something that you are in denial about or someone whom you are rejecting. Enemies may also represent the enemies within yourself and the inner conflict you have with yourself. Consider the phrase "I am my own worse enemy.". Perhaps you are trying to rid yourself of those aspects of your character.

Ok, now that I figured that out, here's what I think...

I think I am beginning to understand the bigger picture here. I think the reason I had my dream is because I feel betrayed by my friends. Not a betrayal of trust or anything, but I feel they don't care about me as much as I care about them. I feel I am disposable and they will throw me away at any minute. I feel that I'm gonna lose them and when I do they won't even miss me. I feel we are growing further apart. And I cannot have that happen. I love my friends, especially _______. But I feel that we've drifted. I want her to understand that friends are friends forever. And I want her to understand and feel the way I do about friendship. Well I gotta go check my schedule.

I Comitted Suicide...

in a dream. It was weird. And very sad too. I do not know all the details, all I know is that it involved betrayal. My best friend, Ellie was keeping something from me and somehow I found out about it and I felt like the lowest of all lows because she couldn't tell me about it herself. So, I took a razor and slashed my wrist right in front of her and the worst part of it all is that she did not even try to help me. She just stood there watching me cry and bleed. She was right there in front of me, but yet there was so much distance.

I kinda have an idea of where that dream cane from, but then again I kinda don't. I don't wanna talk about this anymore. It makes me sad, stupid dream!

Double Sigh, Triple Sigh, Oh Bother!

It's not that I've been neglecting writing in here. It's just that I have had so much on my mid lately that I just felt was too much to talk about on here. I don't want to get into serious details, but I have been thinking about quite a few things and other stuff has been majorly bugging me.

For one, my father, well it seems like he has been on my case lately. About school, about my weight, and most importantly about my relationship. I think that as long as I am doing the best I can and not throwing my life away and just plain living, it should just be enough for him, but it's never enough for him. I am so sick of trying to please him, I am so sick of trying to explain my side, my situation, my feelings, because frankly I could talk to him until I have no voice left and he still would not understand.

Corie, well he and I have not worked a lot lately and so we are struggling to get thing paid for and what not and he still has no money for a ring. I want to shout to the world that I am engaged, but it is so hard to do so when I have no ring to show for it. I guess my patience will reward me, although my patience is wearing thing. Another thing about Corie is that he has been really moody lately, picking arguments with me when it is not needed and then not even coming correct on it. Not even fessing up to his wrong doings or even taking the initiative to say he is sorry. Well, let's not go there.

Speaking of moody people, my friends have been kind of moody as well. I hope all is well with them. Lately they have been biting my heads off for no friggin' reason. I'm getting scared. I want everything to be okay. I'm sick of dodging bullets. I'm not bulletproof.

Well, I suppose that's all I have to say for now. Corie's got to get some sleep and I do not want to keep him up with my typing. Hope everyone had a good Easter. TTYL.

Screw the Economy!

I am already broke being a college student and having to pay on my own. Working a stupid ass job as a cashier at a grocery store. Then comes along the rough economic status which means, fuck the employees, cuz only the managers can get hours now, but we'll give the employees who have been here for a long ass time a few tiny hours so they can put bread in their mouths b/c it's about they can afford working only one day a week. Fuck this shit! I'm supposed to be getting married in a year and a half, I can't even afford to attend a wedding, let alone throw one myself. I'm on the verge of tears now. I just cannot stand this shit! I don't know what I am gonna do. All I can do now is pray. Pray for some help and finanicial stability.

I don't know what else to write, I thought this was going to be a really long blog, but I just cannot write at this time being so depressed. Sorry.

Leave Her Alone

OMFG! Please get it through your thick head dude! It's friggin' over between the two of you. You hurt her and now she is ready to move on, so friggin let her. Damn you, finally she is at a place that she can be happy and you won't let her b/c you keep trying to talk to her and to see her. Uggh. Get on my last nerve.

Moving on, my friggin' headphones broke. Damnit, now how will I listen to my pod ?? Arrgh. This just pisses me off. Fucking piece of shit earbuds!

So lots of drama happened regarding certain friends. There was one friend who called me a bitch when talking to my best friend. Then there was another who basically slammed my other best friend in a myspace blog.

I wrote the first one is question a message and she replied with two messages back. The first message was to state her case and how she felt I was kind of bitchy. And second was a total retraction and apology for ever meantioning it and asking for my forgiveness. Well I believe in the second chances so I decided to just give her one more go, but honestly she's really never going to be my best bud anyway, nobody can replace my two besties! Ellie and Maya will forever be my sisters.

And now for the second drama , the blog thing. One friend wrote a blog about the other which sparked some major controversy. Then wrote another blog stating she felt she did nothing wrong and to have us talk to her and figure things out. So we did and she still didn't wuite get it, but then moved on and decided that she no longer wants to be the kind of friend she was, but now wants to become a better friend with a different kind of view on what friendship means because he vision was skewed.

In other non dramatic news. Me and my bestest friends and of course my Corie and maybe my cousin are going to Universal Studios/Islands of Adventure this Sat! YATA! I must go now. Until next time.

Much <3

...Still Here

Only I have kind of neglected this thing because not much has been going on lately. I mean, I've been hanging out with my friends more now.

Ellie and Dory spent the night on Friday, Ellie got kinda drunk, it was fun. Maya was supposed to but she had to go to Universal, so she didn't. Yesterday, St. Patty's Day, we went to go get ice cream and went "shopping" at the Bargain Box. Meaning we got so free stuff baby! Dory was supposed to meet us but she had a serious hissy fit and got lost. She hung up on both Corie and Maya and didn't answer the phone when I called her. So I left a message and when she called me she had a major attitude, and I calmly explained to her what happened and what didn't happen and she "apologized" about it, but I still feel that what she did was not right and frankly I felt bad for not invited her to David's Bridal, but now I realize that it would have been a disaster.

Tonight I am so watching LOST, I am so exicted about it. YAYS. Well since obviously I am out of things to say, I must go now. Oh no, I feel a headache coming on. I'm out.

Past 2 AM

And yet I am still up. I'm not really sure why, I am a little tired, but not too much. Right now I am busy thinking about so many things. I am worried about my friends, my girls mean so much to me, and yet I do not think they know. I'm not worried about major things, I'm just worried that what is true, won't be true much longer. I hope no minds are changed because things need to be ok.

Love. It's a tricky thing. When you want it you either don't get it or get it in the worst way. But when you aren't looking for love, it'll find it's way to you and it will be so much better than before. The key is to just relax and let things happen naturally.

I didn't go looking for my Corie, he just happened and I am so glad we are together. But anyways, that's really not the point.

I just hope my wedding in 19 months won't get in the way of anybody's feelings. I hope we can work this out as a team and there is no jealousy. Cuz it's the last thing I want. I want my friends to feel comfortable, hell I want everyone to feel comfortable and have fun, I'm no bridezilla!

Well I should go now. It's like 2:20 and I've listen to FYI like 8 times and I need to go to bed, my ipod can be update tomorrow. Bye bye now.

I'm Home

From a seemingly long con. It was a great one though. Lots of cool swag and some good memories, mixed with some not so good ones and some crazy ones too. I got video of drunk Maya and pictures of some crazy peeps. I'm not sure what kind of video I am going to make though. I do not think I have enough to even do what I wanted to do. I think what I really want to do will have to wait for AFO, but until then I will figure something out. I cosplayed all three days, twice on Sat. I am so proud of me. Holla!

You know I would totally give you a play by play of what happened on all three days, but it would just be too time consuming and I'm not sure if I want to do that. All that really happened was that we got major swag and basically chilled in our costumes and got bunches of free hugs. We had a drunk Maya on Friday night, and on Sat, a missing drunk and apparently lost Joe. On Sunday we did karaoke and we killed 'em! Hah! Now we are back home half dead, half sleeping zombies, waiting for Joe to come out so we can watch DVD's with him. Joe's my cousin by the way. Oh and let's see yeah, that's pretty much it.

Now, to go away from the subject for a bit. I remembered my high school friend's birthday with no reminders or anything like that. She was like a sister to me , so naturally I would remember. I sent her a happy birthday comment, in fact was the first person to do so and guess what? No reply. I get absolutely no reply from her. It upsets me because we were so close and now I don't even get a lousy "thank you". It's so freakin' incosiderate. It pissed me off because she has not commented on me since we fouind each other recently. I guess all those memories aren't worth a damn to her.

Well I have to go re-up my music to my itunes because itunes is sucking major ass right now. See yah.

Much <3

I Know I Shouldn't

be worried, but I am. I am not just worried, I am scared. What kind of future will Corie and I have together if he cannot even tell me how he feels about himself, or certain other things. Why can't this man communicate with me ? Why is it so hard for him to tell me that he doesn't want to be this cookie-cutter normal guy, he wants to break out of this bubble of the norm and be a freak. I can accept it. I just don't want him to think that he has to. Corie is who he is and he shouldn't try to be someone he is not, especially if he does not talk to me about it first. I mean, I don't care if he decides to dye his hair blue and get ten thousand piercings, but I at least want to be in on it. I at least want to get my say in, I at least want to know why he feels the need to do so and what's going on in his head. I want him to hear my opinion and advices first before his does something that could perhaps change his life or how other view him. I will always love him no matter what, but I just want to communicate with him without getting I don't knows, or shrugs, or anything else that's indecisive or not an answer. I don't want to have to wonder. I want to know. I need to know. We are planning a future together. I want to know that he will be there with me for better or for worse, 'til death do us part, strike that death thing, I mean forever and ever.

Saved

Why is it that you can talk all you want about wanting to be saved, you can be all scared about going to hell, but when given the opportunity to take part in the prayer of salvation to actually do what you want to, you know be saved, you chicken out. You just stand while everyone else around you sits and prays for salvation. See that pisses me off. If you really want to be saved, really want to take Christ to be your savior, you would have taken that seat. The next time you want to talk to me about being scared that Jesus won't accept you because of what you are or what you've done, think about how you fucked up a chance at getting saved. Uggh.

October 23, 2010

That's the date! I am totally setting it,. This is the game plan. The Corie and Cristina Bay wedding with commence!

He proposed to me on Thursday, Feb 12th 2009. I don't even know what time it was, but we were laying beside each other, talking about the next couple of days and other things of the sort, making plans and he told me that he wouldn't be able to propose to me like he wanted to and I said well why don't you just do it now and get it over with. So he grabbed my hand and told me that I am his everything and that his life would not be complete with me, then he asked those magical words, and of course since I love the guy I said yes! So I am officially engaged! And all of this through tearful eyes. We embraced and talked about the future, made plans about how we were going to discuss this with our parents, and went to sleep in each other's arms. No, you naughty kids, there was no love-making.


So moving on, I had the most horrible day at work on Friday the 13th. Cliche I know! But Corie to me to lunch, Taco Bell drive-thru, raw as hell. HA! Then I had to go back to work for a few hours, sucks but I gotta get my money. Got home, showered, dressed, proceeded to pick up my friends, Ellie and Maya, we went to CiCi's and ate some good pizza, and then we went to Fashion Square Mall and got our tix for Friday the 13th, again cliche. LOL. Corie and I got our Megacon tix at the Comic store, along with a free t-shirt. Holla! Then after we saw the movie, actually pretty good. That Jason is a ninja!!! We went home through all this construction, damn Florida! And we told some ghost stories, amongst candle light and blew them out each time we wold them, a total disaster, cuz we were supposed to tell 100, but we kept, blowing out more than one candle on accident. Anyway after we were done, we had fun or maybe not so much fun on the Oija Board. It was crazy. We contacted three spirits, I think. Some murderer, a friend of Maya's great great granddad and some teen who got killed in a car accident.

And then the next day after very few hours of sleep or maybe even none at all. Me, Maya and Ellie hung out cuz Corie had to work, his whole day shot because his schedule was 2-11pm. Sucks cuz today is V-Day. Anyways, I made him home-made brownies. Yeah baby! From scratch! LOL, and Maya and Ellie took pictures and mom and I talked wedding and when Corie came home for lunch he bought me flowers. Such a sweet guy, considering he was not supposed to give me anything until White Day. And...now for more complicated stuff....

I always wonder why I am unloved when it comes to friends. Now, I honestly think that in the end, Ellie will still be there. Even though she says she has more than one bff, in the end, I suppose we both know who reigns over all. We don't say, but I think we are both number 1. I think through it all, we'll be each other's maid of honor and we will be godparents to each other's children, etc, but still I have to wonder. But what really makes me wonder is Maya. No matter what we say or what we do to convince her that we are in this best friend thing for life, she shuts us down. No matching tattoos for Maya. She doesn't want to get a tattoo that brands us and bonds us for life, because she doesn't know what's going to happen in the future. Which to me makes absolutely no sense, because once I make a friend, I keep them. The only way we will no longer be friends is if she no longer wants me in her life, not the other way around. I am loyal through and through and it totally sucks that she doesn't see it. Maybe in the future Maya will see it. I suppose it doesn'tmatter if she wants in or not, because I do have a best best friend and it's not Maya, it's Ellie and even though I've cried tears of pain cuz of her and even though sometimes I feel it would be easier not to care, Ellie will always be my best friend and not Maya. And come to think of it, even though I am hurt by the whole Maya situation, Ellie and I have way more in common than Maya and I do. I mean, Maya and I well, we do have our similarites, but all in all we are different. And although I consider Ellie and I deep and emo, I think Maya is way in over he head, so again, in the end I suppose I should not care whether or not miss Maya wants to get a tatt like me and Ellie, cuz I suppose the bond between sisters is a bigger bond than she can handle. When she grows up and out of her whole woe is me, nobody cares about me phase, that's when she'll be ready to accept that we're in this friendship thing for life. At least I can count on Ellie!

So Sick

OMG! Sometimes I wonder why even bother!!! Grrr! I am so freaking done! AAAAAAAAAAAH!

Anyway...

I had this weird blob related dream that apparently was a cross between Fringe and LOST. It was so weird, Sawyer was trying to rescue us by killing the blob with a knife, but it just got bigger and chased us to a pool where we tried to hide until we realized the thing could swim because it was strangely jellyfish like. I'm not sure where it came from, but yeah, that's my weird ass dream.

Went shopping today, got myself some leggings. Alos got a few tops and Corie got himself a few undershirts and a black dress shirt for his Light cosplay. Holla! Akk this courtesy of my mom and her Sear's card, so thanks moother. I cannot wait to cosplay, finally I am able to cosplay, my friends and I are actually putting outfits together. On Friday (the 27th) I will be Sunako Nakahara from The Wallflower, Sat (28th) I will be my own character, a fairy named Crimson (two diff outfits), and on the last day of the con I will be Misa from Death Note because Maya and Corie want to get a group thing going on. I don't even like Death Note really. In fact if I did like Death Note, I'd hate Light, which is kinda funny considering my bf is playing Light and Misa is totally in love with him. Maybe she can cheat on him for L, lol, although I do not see how that's going to work considering Maya is going to be L.


Anyway, I am still sick with a cold, hopefully it will end soon, very soon because on Thursday I am hanging out with my girls, Ellie and Maya. They are my besties and I love 'em, but sometimes feel that they don't love me. See for me, right now, there's no other before them, but for them, it's not the same. Maya has Jani, who doesn't even treat her right, but who she used to be in love with so she has that history and Ellie has her hs friends and Alica, who I don't even come close to because I am me. Actually I don't even know the reason why. I am just not up there for some reason. Maybe it's because I care enough to try and help with the ceratin situations that can either be potentionally dangerous or heartbreaking. Maybe it's because I care too much to let my mouth stay shut. Maybe it's because I'm always there for her, wait, a sec, isn't that enough to be someone's bestest bestie ? But I digress, on Thurs we are going to try out our cosplay and see if it's good enough for the con. Yata! I CANNOT WAIT FOR MEGACON!!!

Well, I just realized that I have not written my e-pals yet, so I am going to get strait to that. I am sorry, but I have to go now. TTYL.

Much <3

A Few Things

Numero Uno: I realized my reasoning for wanted to get into contact with Ja'net was more personal than actual interest. I wanted to see if we could be besties again, but then I thought about it and said to myself, what for ? I have two best friends who I love more than anything in the world and they can never be replaced. Ja'net was my best friend for a moment in time, but we will never get back to the way things were and frankly I don't want it that way. I am perfectly happy with who I have in my life now and I hope they stay!

Two: I'm sick. It's all Corie and Joe's faults. They must be tortured. They must! I didn't want to go to work because of it, but now I feel like going because of number three....

Why must people always pretend to be someone they are not to try to impress someone. Why do they start acting immature or like that person who they are trying to impress. Why ? It completely makes them look so stupid, not only to me, but to themselves. Yuck!

You Must Be Joking!!

myspace!! What the fuck is wrong with you ? Why can't i login ? I have the same password for like basically every account I have online, so why is it that when I try to type it in you tell me it's wrong and when I ask for an e-mail you say it's sent when it's not. It figures something like this would happen. I finally find my best friend from high school and now I cannot even talk to her because I cannot longin. I know I've been replaced by a new best friend and so has she, but it's still nice to know that she remembers all the good time and bad times and I want to know what's up with her now, but can I do that ? No! Why because I cannot even log in to my fucking myspace ? What the fuck? I'm over it! I hate this shit!

Holy Fucking Myspace, Dude!!

I couldn't believe it when a friend of mine who I have been looking for since I found the wonders of online communities when my best friend in high school Ja'net Ward contacted me. I cried. It was just too surreal. I still cannot believe it. I am waiting for her to come online. It's been way to long, we have a lot of catching up to do!!!!

Lay Down Your Life

Pastor Joel is always talking about how men should lay down their lives for the women in their lives, and while he's preaching this message Corie seems to get it but when we are home, he doesn't practice this. He cannot do a little quick chibi drawing for me, it doesn't even have to be perfect, but he cannot pause his game to do it. He says wait 5 minutes and takes about 20 minutes and then gets pissed because I complain about it, which makes me me even more angry. I crumple the paper, because what's the use of having a sign if it isn't eye catching. It could only be eye catching if it's not plain, but he refused to draw on it, so I don't need it. Then he keeps on with his mouth and I throw the markers on the floor, he just picks them up. Then after we both try to get clam, I mention to him that I know what I would be doing right now to redeem the situation, but he says that he wasn't going to draw another one for me. And then when Ellie comes back from the bathroom he bring her into it, when she's completely innocent and says she won't get a ride home. WTF??? What the hell does that have to do with our argument ? Nothing. I made him apologize and then I made him leave my room and instead of taking that time to actually think of an apology he comes in here and tries to justify himself. Laying down your life for somebody means to drop waht it is you are doing to cater to them. I constantly make him feel better when he's down , feed him when he's hungry. I let him stay over here, even when I know he should go home. I even sometimes pay for his bills when he needs me to, but when I want him to draw a little fucking thing for me, he cannot do it!!! Arggh. You know what he came back and apologized, but he's still not trying to redeem self. If I have to tell him, it just isn't worth it. Grr.

Painfully Waiting

This is kind of painful. Waiting. Having to wait on some one, some thing. Not knowing when this some thing, some one is going to reveal themselves. It's just painful. It's just one of those things. I hate waiting. I hate the unknown. It's just not fair. But I have really no choice, but to wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

So well it's Sunday. The big game. Superbowl of which I care nothing about because well I do not watch any sports. Actually to be perfectly honest, nobody in my family sans my brother watches sports and my bro's sport of choice is basketball, so I am sure he doesn't really care much about it either. My cousin who moved in recently loves football, but he says he refuses to watch because he hates both teams. Ha! Jokes on him, he really has no choice, because for some reason or another both my parents watch the Superbowl. I don't know why. Maybe it's the commercials, maybe it's the movie previews, maybe it;s just to feel like every other "All-American" family. I suppose I'll watch it a little, until I get bored, which will probably be really quick.

It's 2pm, approx 2 hours before my boyfriend gets off of work, boy do I have a bone to pick with him. He did not call me nor did he come over during his break. Grrr. Men, can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em. Ha! Kidding, of course I'd never kill my baby. I love his crazy, geeky self. Besides I was home all day, that's my alibi, I'm sticking to it

His name is Corie. We've been together for two years. He loves anime (and manga), video games, and more. We have some common interests, but we are also very different. He's shy, quiet, likes to keep his feelings locked away, but me, I am totally opposite. But throughout our two year relationship he has changed, he's more open and less shy.We do everything together. He practically lives in my house. LOL. My parents like him too and that's a great thing because it means they won't argue with me when we get married. I've been looking for someone like him for years, he's the one. I know it. I have a feeling that in 2 weeks I'mm be the future Mrs Corie J Bay. Meaning engagement! Yes, this crazy person to the left! Aint he a doll!

Well I suppose that's it for this entry. I'm sure I have bored you enough with my love. I just wanted to not rant or write some worrisome entry. Besides if I ranted about eveything I wasnted to this entry would be like 100 pages long and just way too much drama for a Sunday. Happy Superbowl people!

Blogging

I'm not new at this. I have an lj. But even though, I've been blogging for a while. I'm kinda at a loss for words. I don't know what to say right now. I wanted to rant about something, but now the ranting seems kind of meaningless since I talked to the person who I was going to rant about yesterday and got everything cleared up.

Today is my best friend's birthday, at least I hope she's my best friend. Sometimes I feel as if she doesn't regard me that way. I want her to be my maid of honor, but if I am not the same for her---it would just kill me. Also I want to be her baby's godmother and vice versa. Somehow I feel though that I'm like a bug who just follows her around and she wants to spray me with some insecticide to make me go away or even worse kill me. I don't know. I hope I'm wrong. None the less I wish her a very happy birthday!!! Happy 23 Miss Murasaki-chan!

Her boyfriend. I'll be honest, from his very first impression one me, he seemed like a total sleeze. Anytime he went somewhere with us, he was totally boring too. We went to the beach (he did not go in the water), we went to the fair (he did not go on the rides and he dissapeard of with my girl), at JACON (spent most of the time, wasting away in the room or in the pool, didn't actually do any con related things and made my girl miss out on most of them). That's sucksville! Arrgh. Another thing is that it seems like he doesn't want her and I to be friends. Misters should never come between sisters. It aint cool! Hopefully though she can let him know how we feel. Maybe we can start over. Maybe she can make him understand that if he's going to be in her life, he has to accept us too. And hopefully we can become better friends that way. I don't want to hate him, really I don't, but at this point, they are the ones who need to make an effort to unite us. I want us all to get along. I want us all to be friends.

Ya know, I have so much to talk about now that I've started, but unfortunately looking at the time, I have realized that I've already said so much. I should just end it here. I'll be posting again real soon. I suppose now would be the time to say that this journal is going to be way more personal than my other ones. I feel on my lj I have to hide a lot because so many people read it that I am close too and even though my best friend whose journal you can visit here is on here. I know I can trust her. Well ta-ta for now.

Much <3,
Cris

Anything But That!

Testing! 123!